You know you’re drunk when the cat barks.
Always the pallbearer, never the dead guy
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Me: What’d you have for lunch?
Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…
pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money
My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid 🙁
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.
*turns my chair to get a better view
Me: Carry on.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.