Always the pallbearer, never the dead guy

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*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!


pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money


My parents and teachers told me I could be whatever I wanted to be but I’m 28 years old now and I’m still not a crime-fighting mermaid ūüôĀ


“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.


Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*


Got really excited when my wife said she was going to teach me something new in the bedroom until she started folding a fitted sheet.


Me: I‚Äôd like ‚ÄúIntercourse‚ÄĚ for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.


Me: Why are you holding a fork?
Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster.

*turns my chair to get a better view

Me: Carry on.


Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.