@Karate_Horse: Always the pallbearer, never the dead guy
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@foodfacenow: *At restaurant trying to impress date* Me: How are these prepared? Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave. Me: Excellent.
@EndhooS: "If anyone has any objections, speak now or- SHES LITERALLY A BANANA Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA? Best man: I f'kin KNEW she bruised too easily
@bencoffeehall: I have learned to accept that my parents are "Santa," but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
@AlisonChrista: HER: Promise you won't overreact? ME: Yes. H: They said that you were a little dramatic. M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. "Fools!"