Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.

My recliner and I go way back

me:
Can I count on you?

wife:
Of course, always.

(sits on her lap)

me:
One…two…three…four…

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Imma just leave this here…………

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?