Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
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“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh