Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.