Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
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I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.