Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
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My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.