Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

doing some research

my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep

[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.