Always the vampires
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Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.