always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
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“Worm Regards”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.