always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
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Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?