Always this one for me forever
You Might Also Like
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
My first son he is wonderful
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.