Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.

if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened

I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know