*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
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These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I need to update my racial profile.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.