*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
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Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
u spoke cat all this time??????
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
My background check bounced.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Not today, today.
Not today.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too