Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
Feels like the fourth month in January
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
