Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
President The Rock Obama
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.