Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
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judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.