Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
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FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump