Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

The “police officer” has been a failed experiment, we must return to “lawman” and it’s a guy who’s also the town dentist and saloon proprietor

Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.

The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.

The answer is funnier than the question

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion

I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.

So, this is how my day is going. How about you?

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

me watching my own Instagram story

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

[aliens observing earth]

“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!