Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
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*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
　 O
　 　 　 O
　　 　　 o
　　　　　o
　　　　　 o
　　　　　o
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Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-

*me already pressing button* sorry, what?

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.

My math is correct, just ask any parent.

Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.