Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
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4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
wife’s secretary: she’s in a meeting but I can take a message
me out of breath: there’s a cricket in da house
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…