Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
You Might Also Like
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Body by sandwich.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Every BBC series about the universe.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Canada has crack?
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao