Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Support your local cemetery

As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past

yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.

I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you

That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.

[Zombie Apocalypse]

Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: K

Mascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese

*dies*