Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
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I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good