Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
His flabber was gasted 😂
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My patience has stretch marks.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra