Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!

Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.

Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

thanksgiving should be called feaster

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.

When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket