Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
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You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
I hope this email finds you in a well
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My time has come.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
*pokes sex life with a stick
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.