always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
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The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now