always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
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Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
😏😏😏
I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.
I was probably sleep-wokking again.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask