Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?

My life coach traded me.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.

I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.

Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.

detective: what happened?

librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks

detective: how’d he do that?

librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket

awesome draft from months ago i just found

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺