Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
my proudest tweet
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE