Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
![]()
You Might Also Like
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
![]()
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.