Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
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ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in my bathtub holding a crucifix.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*