“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Chicago sounds lovely.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
lmfao come on
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car