“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
[shakes fist at other fist]
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.