Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
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BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
According to math, I’m broke
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil