Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

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me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

Kids are funny:

8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”

4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”

hear me out : pockets for your socks

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.

*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.