You Might Also Like
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
“It’s the most wonderful crime of the year!” I crooned running away with the pot of Santa’s donations.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Called it
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.