Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”