Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.