Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
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SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact