am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
The news
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.