am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
new career option?
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents