Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

Me: (singing along with the car radio)

Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?

Me: No, why?

Friend: So you don’t have to.

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

7: Golf is not fun to watch

ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context

7: What are nuances and context

Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make

7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not

Me:

7: Usually not

Me:

7: They aren’t even good at it.

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

🥴

Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.

– me as a marriage counselor

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery