Am getting real tired of your crap…
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At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Seems legit
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
@funTweeters
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.