Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?