Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Auto correct is my worst enema.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Death certificates are our last participation award.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
How to wake up a Beagle
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
✨☝️✨
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Remember, when a package says “sharing size”, that’s just a guideline. They have no enforcement mechanism
🤣😈🤣
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.