Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.