Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
my one true gender
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.