[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
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Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine