@InternetHippo

Am I a good person? No. But do I try to be better every single day? Also no

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@bonniemcfarlane

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.

@_sleepysmile

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.

@samlymatters

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

@SCbchbum

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

@mo87mo87

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

@Home_Halfway

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

@trumpetcake

I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.

@delusions_of

Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.

@LuvPug

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

@ag_loco

How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes