Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
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I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
If you didn’t want to get bitten you shouldn’t have looked at my cinnamon rolls
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
this is the greatest thing ever
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.
I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.
When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.