@tiemoose

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

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@lazerdoov

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

@KaylaAncrum

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

@ramblinma

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

@brittwastaken

If you didn’t want to get bitten you shouldn’t have looked at my cinnamon rolls

@4SLars

Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”

@_Water_Baby

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

@TragicAllyHere

[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me

@RandomManik

GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.

I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.

@hazelmotes1

When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue.