am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
You Might Also Like
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.