Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*steals your wallet*
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes
Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017
*in hospital 3 days later*
Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut