@tiemoose

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

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@hythemafia

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

@AimeeHelene1

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

@KatieBurnett

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

@CodyJP9412

LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?

CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.

@Bagyants

Power Rangers taught me that the way to solve a problem is to pose in front of it aggressively until it explodes

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I’m not going to drink in 2017

*in hospital 3 days later*

Doctor: You have to drink water you idiot

@timdonakowski

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

@LABeachmom

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

@ka_waltz

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

@Browtweaten

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut