Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
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If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
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Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
My birthstone is kidney
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.