Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
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All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
mmm onion ringos
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.