Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.

Last night I served this couple and I said “hey how are you ladies tonight?” And one said “we are great thanks” and in the thickest Jamaican accent her girlfriend stopped her and said “dont tell her I’m good. I’m never good. I’m awful. I need food immediately” obsessed with her

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won