Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Best bird cliques…

A “murder” of crows

A “flamboyance” of flamingos

A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished

Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.

You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”

Her: “Yes”

Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”

“Wait, what?!”

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said