@NoogsCorner

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

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@RoosterMustache

“Wow this pizza is amazing”

Yes, well it’s our specialty dough.
We soak it in pickle juice.
Dill pickle juice actually.

It’s a dilldough

@Browtweaten

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.

3-year-old:

Wife:

3-year-old: Babies are lazy.

@mattgallo123

Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.

@toomanycommas3

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

@fightforfood

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

@richardmarx

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

@bluebonetbabies

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.