Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
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If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.