Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

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“Wow this pizza is amazing”

Yes, well it’s our specialty dough.
We soak it in pickle juice.
Dill pickle juice actually.

It’s a dilldough


Me: I’m really at the end of my rope



3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?

Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.



3-year-old: Babies are lazy.


Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.


Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”


do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like


Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.


1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.