Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week

me: *vacuums a little faster*

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.

Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

[on the club dancefloor]

DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED

ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !