Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

The Mayor in Jaws was right.

Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”

“Who made that decision?”

“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?

Me: A million.

4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?

Me: Must’ve been an earthquake

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.

I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.

Me: I don’t know about that.

4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?