am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark鈥ust ask my father-in-law.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I鈥檝e just heard one of the kids approaching
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I think Schr枚dinger would鈥檝e really liked the microwave.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
This is so funny 馃ぃ I was crying!
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I鈥檒l fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“14 years, 拢20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.