am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1