am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Regional Manager added me to the wrong Slack channel at work. There were discussions on overlooking 3 certain people for promotions & ideas on how to get them fired, because they were in a union. Long story short, I’m the regional manager now and the 3 people got their promotions
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
It do be feeling this way.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.