Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
You Might Also Like
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I’d always wondered what happen to those guys!
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?