Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?