Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Like a hot-air balloon ride above manure mountain I am over this shit and slightly unstable
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.