Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
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[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.